Thursday, September 21, 2006

No More Cranky my Wanky, Donger Need Food!

Preppy Girl's upbeat post for today was 13 official reasons that she was "cranky" today. I considered doing a post about 13 reasons I was happy today, but because I'm not and yet I still wanted to be positive, I will do this...

13 Reasons I will NOT Kill Myself Today...

1. I don't wanna get blood on my good sweatshirt.

2. Today is payday and I like to touch my check at least before I send it to credit card companies.

3. I considered parking in the garage, cracking my windows and letting the exhaust do me in but gas is just too expensive.

4. The only stationery I could find to leave a note on had Hello Kitty on it.

5. I wanted to drink toilet cleaner, but I scrubbed the bowl with it instead.

6. I want to be around next week to see the dummy Pope insult Buddhism and eventually Hinduism too.

7. If I found a piece of rope and kicked the chair out from under me, my wife would just accuse me of "Hanging out in the basement."

8. Leaping off a cliff just seems pointless unless you tricked into doing so by a roadrunner.

9. I wanna lose about ten pounds before I die. You know... leave a prettier corpse.

10. Bad Karma. I don't wanna come back as a jack-ass. Then I'd have to be president.

11. I don't own a handgun and there were no coupons for them in last week's Val-Pak.

12. I considered stepping in front of a moving vehicle, but didn't want to be accused of, "Getting up in somebody's grill."

And finally...

13. Tomorrow is Show and Tell day at school and Chloe has to bring something that begins with the letter B. As a responsible parent, I feel it my duty to make sure she doesn't walk into class and show them her "BUTT."

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Some Spooky Shit...

For lack of a truly meaningful blog topic, I will relay a stupid story.

About a year ago, I got a pair of boxers. GAP is notorious for creating a different boxer pattern for any holiday (I think there may have even been one for Arbor Day ). Any way, I got these Halloween boxers from the GAP. I don't think I bought them, but they were a gift. They were black with a spooky-eye pattern all over them. Throughout the spooky-eye pattern there was also the occaissional "boo" here and there. It was just the word, in lower-case letters, boo.

So I'm wearing these boxers one day, under my jeans, and I'm walking through the mall when I decide it's time to make a stop at the bathroom. I know many people who have hang-ups about public facilities, but for the most part I don't. I went into the stall, closed the door and sat down. It was clean... I checked.

I look down at my knees where my jeans are bunched up and notice something peculiar. For lack of anything else to read, I read my boxers, only they don't say "boo" anymore. The pattern, it turns out, can be read from the inside of the boxers too which should appear as "ood" right?

Only it doesn't say "ood" at all. The pattern I am reading is reversed AND upsidedown which reads "poo."

I laugh out loud at the "poo" in my boxers. Someone a few stalls over leaves in a nervous hurry.

Monday, September 18, 2006

I want less dog food.

I don't really know anymore. There's a place in which we all excell. No really, I believe this. Are you where you should be? I don't know anymore. This is exactly the type of crap that is bound to end up in a blog. Soul searching bullshit. I like where I am. Its not a bad place to be. But somedays it feels like I am settling for dog food.

Dog food is good for you. I keep thinking about Mel Gibson in the "Road Warrior" sharing the can of dog food with his dog. I suppose in a post-apocalyptic world it was delicious. It would keep you alive. Its probably better for you than a lot of other things. Am I settling for dog food? Are you settling for dog food?

In the grand scheme of things, I suppose there are worse things to settle for, but that's bullshit. There is no try, either do, or do not. Dog food. The problem is that it is oh so filling. It does leave one satisfied and tired. Sometimes to tired to even dream about fillet.


My friend Julia wanted to see this.
It is good! Check it out yourself.